October 25th, 2026
by Pastor Matt Vandeleest
by Pastor Matt Vandeleest
There is a quiet war being fought inside many homes today. It does not always look like shouting or slammed doors. Sometimes it looks like two people passing each other in a hallway without a word. Sometimes it looks like a husband who fills every free hour with his hobbies and a wife who pours herself into her career. The war is not always loud. But it is always destructive.
Consider a couple who built their life together on a foundation that seemed reasonable enough. They were active in church, involved in ministry, and genuinely cared for one another. But somewhere along the way, something shifted. He started working longer hours and spending weekends on the golf course. She leaned harder into her career and her friendships. Days passed without real conversation. When they finally sat down with a pastor and were asked one simple question, their answer revealed everything: they believed marriage existed to make them happy. And when it stopped doing that, each of them went looking for happiness somewhere else.
Their pastor named the real problem with clarity. They were not living as two people under God's authority. They were living as two people competing to be in charge.
The Root of the Power Struggle
At the center of every marital conflict, beneath every argument about time, money, responsibility, and respect, there is a single theological problem. Someone has replaced God as the reference point. When the self becomes the center of a marriage, the relationship inevitably becomes a contest. Who gets more freedom? Who carries more weight? Who is owed more happiness? These questions have no good answers because they are asking the wrong things entirely.
This is not a modern invention. The book of Genesis describes it plainly. After the fall, God told the woman in Genesis 3:16 that her desire would be for her husband and that he would rule over her. The original language here points to a desire for control and dominance, a grasping for authority that was never meant to be hers. And on the other side, the man would exercise a harsh, domineering rule that was never part of God's original design. Both distortions flow from the same source: the self enthroned where God alone should sit.
The philosophical frameworks that have shaped modern culture have only deepened this wound. The idea that men and women are locked in a permanent struggle for power, that one must always be the master and the other the slave, that the family itself is an institution of oppression, these ideas did not come from nowhere. They were carefully constructed and deliberately spread. And they have done enormous damage, not only in the broader culture but inside the church.
What Scripture Actually Says
Ephesians 5:22-33 is one of the most misread and most avoided passages in the New Testament. It is avoided by those who find it offensive and misread by those who use it to justify control. But when it is read carefully and honestly, it does something remarkable. It removes the self from the center entirely and replaces it with Christ.
Wives are called to submit to their husbands as to the Lord. That phrase, as to the Lord, is the key. This is not submission to a man's ego or a man's preferences. It is submission that flows from a prior submission to Christ, offered in the context of a relationship that mirrors the church's relationship to her Savior.
Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. The standard is not cultural dominance. The standard is the cross. It is a love that sets aside its own interests, that nourishes and cherishes, that takes responsibility for the spiritual and physical wellbeing of another person without demanding anything in return.
Ephesians 5:31 reminds us that a man leaves his father and mother and holds fast to his wife, and the two become one flesh. One flesh. Not two competitors dividing up resources. Not two individuals tolerating shared space. One flesh, moving in one direction, for one purpose: the glory of Christ.
The Calling Is Not a Burden
The Bible's vision for marriage is not oppressive. It is liberating, but only when both husband and wife understand that their primary obligation is not to get what they are owed but to fulfill what they have been called to do.
A husband who leads as Christ leads does not use his position to dominate. He uses it to serve. He provides for his household. He loves his wife sacrificially. He lives with her in an understanding way, honoring her as a fellow heir of the grace of life, as 1 Peter 3:7 describes. He is not harsh. He is not passive either. He takes responsibility seriously because he understands that leadership in a Christian home is not a privilege to be exploited but a calling to be honored.
A wife who submits as the church submits to Christ is not diminished by that calling. She is entrusted with it. She manages her household with wisdom and diligence. She uses her gifts and abilities for the good of her family. She honors her husband not because he has earned every ounce of her respect but because Christ has called her to it. She does him good and not harm all the days of her life, as Proverbs 31:12 puts it.
In this vision, there is no power struggle. There is no contest to win. There is simply two people, equal in dignity and value before God, each answering to the same Lord, each fulfilling a distinct calling.
The Question That Changes Everything
The couple from the beginning of this story did not fix their marriage overnight. But they began to fix it the moment they stopped asking what they were owed and started asking what Christ had called them to.
That is the question every husband and wife must eventually face. Not what am I getting out of this? But am I willing to submit to the authority of Christ in my marriage?
Christ is the head of the home. The grace of the cross is sufficient for every failure along the way. And the invitation stands today to stop fighting for the throne and start building something that honors the King.
Consider a couple who built their life together on a foundation that seemed reasonable enough. They were active in church, involved in ministry, and genuinely cared for one another. But somewhere along the way, something shifted. He started working longer hours and spending weekends on the golf course. She leaned harder into her career and her friendships. Days passed without real conversation. When they finally sat down with a pastor and were asked one simple question, their answer revealed everything: they believed marriage existed to make them happy. And when it stopped doing that, each of them went looking for happiness somewhere else.
Their pastor named the real problem with clarity. They were not living as two people under God's authority. They were living as two people competing to be in charge.
The Root of the Power Struggle
At the center of every marital conflict, beneath every argument about time, money, responsibility, and respect, there is a single theological problem. Someone has replaced God as the reference point. When the self becomes the center of a marriage, the relationship inevitably becomes a contest. Who gets more freedom? Who carries more weight? Who is owed more happiness? These questions have no good answers because they are asking the wrong things entirely.
This is not a modern invention. The book of Genesis describes it plainly. After the fall, God told the woman in Genesis 3:16 that her desire would be for her husband and that he would rule over her. The original language here points to a desire for control and dominance, a grasping for authority that was never meant to be hers. And on the other side, the man would exercise a harsh, domineering rule that was never part of God's original design. Both distortions flow from the same source: the self enthroned where God alone should sit.
The philosophical frameworks that have shaped modern culture have only deepened this wound. The idea that men and women are locked in a permanent struggle for power, that one must always be the master and the other the slave, that the family itself is an institution of oppression, these ideas did not come from nowhere. They were carefully constructed and deliberately spread. And they have done enormous damage, not only in the broader culture but inside the church.
What Scripture Actually Says
Ephesians 5:22-33 is one of the most misread and most avoided passages in the New Testament. It is avoided by those who find it offensive and misread by those who use it to justify control. But when it is read carefully and honestly, it does something remarkable. It removes the self from the center entirely and replaces it with Christ.
Wives are called to submit to their husbands as to the Lord. That phrase, as to the Lord, is the key. This is not submission to a man's ego or a man's preferences. It is submission that flows from a prior submission to Christ, offered in the context of a relationship that mirrors the church's relationship to her Savior.
Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. The standard is not cultural dominance. The standard is the cross. It is a love that sets aside its own interests, that nourishes and cherishes, that takes responsibility for the spiritual and physical wellbeing of another person without demanding anything in return.
Ephesians 5:31 reminds us that a man leaves his father and mother and holds fast to his wife, and the two become one flesh. One flesh. Not two competitors dividing up resources. Not two individuals tolerating shared space. One flesh, moving in one direction, for one purpose: the glory of Christ.
The Calling Is Not a Burden
The Bible's vision for marriage is not oppressive. It is liberating, but only when both husband and wife understand that their primary obligation is not to get what they are owed but to fulfill what they have been called to do.
A husband who leads as Christ leads does not use his position to dominate. He uses it to serve. He provides for his household. He loves his wife sacrificially. He lives with her in an understanding way, honoring her as a fellow heir of the grace of life, as 1 Peter 3:7 describes. He is not harsh. He is not passive either. He takes responsibility seriously because he understands that leadership in a Christian home is not a privilege to be exploited but a calling to be honored.
A wife who submits as the church submits to Christ is not diminished by that calling. She is entrusted with it. She manages her household with wisdom and diligence. She uses her gifts and abilities for the good of her family. She honors her husband not because he has earned every ounce of her respect but because Christ has called her to it. She does him good and not harm all the days of her life, as Proverbs 31:12 puts it.
In this vision, there is no power struggle. There is no contest to win. There is simply two people, equal in dignity and value before God, each answering to the same Lord, each fulfilling a distinct calling.
The Question That Changes Everything
The couple from the beginning of this story did not fix their marriage overnight. But they began to fix it the moment they stopped asking what they were owed and started asking what Christ had called them to.
That is the question every husband and wife must eventually face. Not what am I getting out of this? But am I willing to submit to the authority of Christ in my marriage?
Christ is the head of the home. The grace of the cross is sufficient for every failure along the way. And the invitation stands today to stop fighting for the throne and start building something that honors the King.
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